the new term for farting is butt boxing.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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