I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
