He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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