his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Who died my cat blue again?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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