Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
