my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize