your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
