i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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