Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
