I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
