She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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