she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sext me about skeletons
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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