im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
