I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
