This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
