I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
