drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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