i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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