pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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