Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
