Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
