you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
