He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
