I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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