if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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