his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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