Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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