I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize