I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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