So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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