in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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