Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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