I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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