What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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