My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I use my feet as sexual weapons
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
