A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
