I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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