Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
