I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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