I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
