Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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