What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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