i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
