I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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