all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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