the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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