Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
