Welp...herpes.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
