It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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