I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
