420 ftw
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
