There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
