I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Shame is for Republicans.
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