I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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