hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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