Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
