I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
