i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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