There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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