I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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