think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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