There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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