get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
