i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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