wrigley field is MILF paradise
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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