i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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